


The List

by youbuggme



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Based on a Tumblr Post, Cute, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Funny, Lists, Living Together, M/M, Science Experiments, Tumblr Ask Box Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 06:44:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5995420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youbuggme/pseuds/youbuggme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robb finds a strange shopping list on his desk and must get to the bottom of it. </p>
<p>Tumblr Request.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The List

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, guys! This was requested by an anon on Tumblr a few weeks ago: _Throbb prompt about that grocery list you posted._
> 
> This is the shopping list that the fic is based off of: [Grocery List](http://youbuggingme.tumblr.com/post/138211077814/arcvnum-pastelle-prince-shadetastic-you%20)
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy it! Especially you, anon :)

Robb stared long and hard at the list in front of him. He wasn’t really quite sure what to make of it. He recognized the handwriting no problem, he’d recognized Theon’s tiny, scrunched-up scrawl anywhere. He recognized the paper from the sticky pad that hung from their refrigerator that was reserved for groceries; Sansa had given it to them as an apartment warming gift. Hell, Robb even recognized the pen that was used to make the damn list; Theon used those pens for literally everything under the sun. It was the words on their weekly shopping list that were throwing him off.

_ Grocery List _

_dry ice_

_kerosene_

_nondairy creamer_

_duct tape_

_Mentos_

_Diet Coke_

_PVC pipe_

_Cannon balls_

_entire cow (pre-slaughtered if possible)_

_many, many candles_

_copper wire_

_chainsaw_

_blowtorch_

_series 1-15 of Mythbusters_

It didn’t take a genius to know where his boyfriend’s mind had gone to. It was more of the question of why? Also, when? Oh, and how on Earth did Theon think Robb was just going to buy all of these items no questions asked just because Theon left it on the communal desk in their bedroom nicely atop of the laptop?

Checking the clock, Robb sighed loudly. Now he was going to be late for work if he didn’t head out soon, but he could not just leave the note unattended. Quickly, Robb grabbed one of their sharpies from the desk and began making corrections and notes. If Theon wanted to make a shopping list, fine, but he knew the rules and that Robb would have to go over it and add his own things. Theon couldn’t really think it would be that easy. He wasn’t stupid.

* * *

 

 

Theon glared at the carefully constructed list he had made last night. He recognized the capitalized, blocky lettering of Robb’s handwriting and he did _not_ appreciate it in this moment, especially since he vandalized Theon’s perfect list.  In red fucking ink. This was supposed to be easy.

Robb not only made additions, but the fucker also went through and made notes beside each and every one of Theon’s items, sometimes just crossing them off the list altogether. What a fucking control freak.

_ Grocery List _

**ETHERNET CABLES**

**BISCUITS**

_~~dry ice~~ _ **NO**

_~~kerosene~~_ **NO**

_nondairy creamer_ **MAYBE**

_duct tape_ **MAYBE**

_Mentos_ *****

_Diet Coke_ ***** **NOT AT THE SAME TIME**

_~~PVC pipe~~_ **NO**

_~~Cannon balls~~_ **DEFINITELY NO**

_~~Entire cow (pre-slaughtered if possible)~~ _ **WE DON’T HAVE A BIG ENOUGH FREEZER**

_many, many candles_ **YOU CAN HAVE FOUR**

_~~copper wire~~ _ **NO**

_~~chainsaw~~ _ **ABSOLUTELY NOT**

_~~blowtorch~~ _ **NEVER**

_~~series 1-15 of Mythbusters~~ _ **THAT IS THE WORST IDEA**

Finding that his list was completely trashed and ruined, Theon crumbled it up and threw it in the waste paper basket. Grabbing his phone, he dialed the first number in his recent calls log and pulled out a blank piece of copy paper and his black ink pen.

_“Hello?”_

“Hey, Robb’s an ass and our plans are put on hold for the time being. Looks like I’m going to need more time to get the necessary materials. Tell the others.”

* * *

Robb came home to find the house silent, even though he knew Theon was home. Theon’s shift ended at five o’clock and it was closing in on midnight. Upon further investigation, he found Theon passed out in their bed. Disappointment filled his chest as he kicked off his shoes. It seemed as of the late Robb hardly ever saw Theon, even though they were living together.

He had been hoping to actually see Theon today and talk to him, but they work schedules over the past week had left them unable to. Theon had temporarily switched shifts with a co-worker of his which caused him to be up at ungodly hours of the morning while Robb was trying to finalize a contract that kept him at the office until midnight for the past two weeks. Needless to say, Robb missed just _hearing_ Theon’s voice.

Stripping, Robb smiled fondly at the figure curled up in the bed. His hair was already sticking out in weird places and his had stolen Robb’s pillow and wrapped his arms around it. His face was buried into the pillow with a tiny smile on his face. Robb crept to his side of the bed and was about to get in when he saw a note laying in his spot where his pillow should have been.

He had forgotten about the stupid list when he had gotten to work and he knew, before even turning over the piece of printer paper, that this was addressing Robb’s annotations. Picking it up, Robb went to the window where the moonlight would illuminate the paper just enough for him to read it.

_Here is my resubmitted shopping list with some COMPROMISES. Perhaps you should learn the word, you tyrannical asshole. When did you become your job to be the fun police? And I don’t mean the police that are fun, I mean the police that control fun, you know, like Snow. Boring as shit people, Stark. I’m calling you boring as shit. Regardless, I will not be held down and controlled by your backwards and lawless rules. I am independent and in control of my own life. Relationships are about give and take, didn’t Sansa’s romance books teach you ANYTHING? Or have you ready forgotten what it means to be in a healthy, conversational relationship? Don’t worry, I’ve already taken it upon myself to have her send over her Darkly Dreaming Seduction series. Read up, and then we can talk._

_Oh, and I found some Ethernet cables and I put them on the kitchen table for you. You’re welcome._

Below was the same idiotic shopping list Robb had seen this morning, the only changes were that Theon had added biscuits (which they were honestly out of and needed if Theon wanted Robb to make a decent breakfast on the weekend) and he had gotten rid of cannon balls with a note saying _“The Amazon auction was over anyways, fuckface.”_

After the barely changed list, Theon concluded the letter with:

_Pick them up on your way home from work tomorrow._

_Love you._

 

Robb stared at the piece of paper dumbstruck. He glanced at the paper to Theon, who was still sleeping soundlessly, then back to the paper. Did Theon seriously think that was going to work? That he could just take off _Cannon balls_ and Robb was just going to okay the rest, including a dead cow, a blowtorch, and the goddamn set of Mythbuster DVDs. Seriously, the DVDs might actually be the most dangerous item on the same list as kerosene.

Robb stalked quietly toward the desk and grabbed the same red sharpie as before. If Theon wanted to have the conversation like this, fine, but he was not going to win. Over his dead body.

* * *

Theon woke pressed gentle against Robb’s chest. Somewhere in the night, Robb had reclaimed his pillow and pulled Theon against him, not that Theon minded at all. Robb’s face was resting against the top of Theon’s head, breathing slowly in his hair. Quietly, Theon detangled himself from Robb in hopes not to wake him. Just because Theon had to get to work at a disgustingly early hour, didn’t mean he had to wake up Robb who was probably exhausted from his long hours yesterday. Gods, Wex couldn’t come back from his vacation fast enough so Theon can go back to his normal sleeping schedule and actually see his boyfriend. Wex owed him big time.

Sitting up on the bed and rubbing his face, Theon noticed a half folder piece of paper fall down and land on his lap. He glanced at Robb who was still asleep before looking at the paper that Robb, presumably, had wedged between them before going to sleep last night. Well, didn’t he just think he was so clever?

Opening it up, Theon could see it was the same sheet of paper that he had used. The red sharpie was back into play.

Scanning the list, Theon could see that Robb had made zero compromises and made the same annotations as he had made previously, crossing out nearly everything on the list. At the bottom of the piece of paper, Robb had written his own note in his horrific penmanship.

**THEON,**

**WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY OF THIS STUFF. THAT IS FINAL. I DO NOT WANT DEAD BODIES IN OUR APARTMENT (YOURS OR A COW’S). IF YOU WANT TO BE A MYTHBUSTER, AS I AM ASSUMING FROM THE LIST COMPLIATION, WE CAN MAKE A VOLCANO WITH BAKING SODA AND VINAGER. NO FIRES. NO EXPLOSIONS. NO DEAD OR ALIVE ANIMALS. NOTHING. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? THIS IS FOR YOUR SAFETY. ITS BECAUSE I CARE, NOT BECAUSE I’M AN ASSHOLE.**

**I SWEAR IF THOSE BOOKS OF SANSA’S COME TO THE HOUSE, I AM SENDING THEM RIGHT BACK. I AM NOT READING THEM. DO YOU HEAR ME? I WON’T DO IT. NOT AGAIN. THAT WAS A DARK TIME AND YOU KNOW IT.**

**THANK YOU FOR THE ETHERNET CABLES THOUGH. I REALLY NEEDED THAT SO THANK YOU. THAT WAS AT LEAST VERY NICE OF YOU.**

**I DO NOT WANT TO SEE ANYMORE ‘RESUBMITTED’ SHOPPING LISTS. I LOVE YOU, YOU KNOW THAT, BUT WE ARE NOT BUYING ANY OF THOSE THINGS ON THE LIST EXCEPT FOR THE BISCUTTS BECAUSE WE ACTUALLY USE AND NEED THOSE.**

**MUCH LOVE,**

**ROBB**

Clicking his tongue, Theon stole a glance at the clock. He needed to get going, but not without a rebuttal. He could simply call his associates on the way to work. They were not going to be pleased with this development. They would have to postpone yet again.

* * *

Robb knew before even opening his eyes that the piece of paper resting on his face was a response from Theon. Picking it off his face, Robb winced at the fact Theon had used tape and had also stuck it in his hair like the vindictive little shit he was.

Robb had to say, he was pleasantly surprised to see that there was no shopping list this time. Just a small note from Theon that was undoubtedly a response to his note from last night.

_Fine. If you want to be a dictator and have no fun ever again, fine. I won’t get anything on the list (NOT EVEN THE DAMN BISCUTTS- let’s see how you like it). Just so we are clear Robb, just because I’m not getting anything on the list out of RESPECT (have you heard of it?) for you, doesn’t mean that this is over._

_The books are coming, Stark. Get ready to have romance shoved down your throat and not in the usual way ;)_

_Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to become a Mythbuster. I would never assume that I can fall into such titles as those great men who dedicated their lives to science and discovery. To be clear, I simply want to replicate some of their successful episodes in a safe and controlled manner. I don’t see what the big deal is. If they can do it (we were successful in their ventures) than so can I. I don’t see why are have to literally be Satan. I’m sorry that you are the worst human being alive._

_I guess I still like you…_

_Theon_

Sighing, Robb decided to leave his response for in person. He would be finishing up the contract this afternoon and would be finally getting out at a reasonable hour for the first time in weeks. Theon couldn’t hide behind a piece of paper anymore. He would actually be able to see Theon in person and awake.

* * *

Robb came home to find Theon on the phone, leaning over the counter. His back was turned away from the front door and he didn’t appear to have noticed that Robb was home yet. Robb had wanted to surprise him after all.

“-What? No…Hey! It’s not as simple as it looks…Yeah, I know that but-…Oh, well _excuse me_ , but Robb’s an ass…Yeah, I know….I know…I know…I know, damn it!...Okay, I’m glad we’ve reached a freaking agreement…So, Wednesday it is…Yeah…Robb doesn’t know anything, don’t worry…Okay, bye…I said bye!”

“I’m sorry,” Theon jumped as he head Robb’s voice, turning around quickly to see his boyfriend standing at the entry way of their apartment, “Robb doesn’t know what?”

“Honey!” Theon cringed at his use of the word. “Babe! Dear! Sweetheart! What are you doing home so soon?”

“I finished up that contract so I don’t have any more late nights in the foreseeable future,” Robb narrowed his eyes skeptically at Theon and his word choice. “Now, answer the question.”

“Oh,” Theon rolled his eyes dramatically, “It’s nothing, really.”

“Really?” Robb cocked an eyebrow.

“I was just…talking with your mom,” Theon grinned brightly.

“My mom,” Robb said, not quite sure why Theon thought he was succeeding in that lie. It wasn’t that Catelyn hated Theon, but she certainly didn’t like him very much. He was growing on her, he had been for years, but not enough for that conversation to take place.

“Yeah, yeah,” Theon nodded his head quickly as he walked over to Robb. “I’m picking up Bran and Rickon from school on Wednesday.”

“My mom and you discussed this? As well as insulting me?” Robb crossed his arms.

“Those weren’t insults,” Theon fingered the hem of Robb’s shirt lightly. “Now, would you rather talk about this or…”

Robb raised both eyebrows. “I can’t believe you.”

“What can I say?” Theon shrugged as he leaned closer to Robb. “I know how to read you well and we haven’t really seen each other in _weeks_.”

 “And this isn’t so you can get stuff on that list of yours?”

Theon feigned innocence. “List? Oh, _that._ Don’t worry about it. I’ve completely forgotten about it. The list is done and over with. Don’t worry about it.” Theon laid feather-light kisses along Robb’s jaw. “Now, are we going to keep talking?”

Smirking, Robb silenced Theon. Theon couldn’t help but grin back.

Did Robb really think Theon was just going to forget about the list like that? Gods, he was so gullible. To think, Robb claimed to know him _so_ well. What a dork.

* * *

Robb was skeptical of Theon’s absence. It was Wednesday and he claimed that he was picking up Bran and Rickon from school. That was all fine and well, but Robb knew Theon well. Too well. He knew Theon wasn’t just one to drop things, especially the list after they spent two days going back and forth regarding it. Also, Robb called his mother and while she did ask Theon to pick up Bran and Rickon, she did not recall a conversation with him like the one Robb had overheard. Something was up. Something was fishy. Robb didn’t like it one bit. He was going to get to the bottom of it.

His skepticism turned more and more apparent when he came home to find an empty box on the counter. It was from amazon. Fear struck Robb stomach as he found the receipt hidden in the box. His fears turned into a reality when he read _Mythbusters Box Set: Seasons 1-15._

Robb wasn’t sure what the next step to take was but he wasn’t really given time to ponder it as his phone rang. Hoping it was Theon, Robb was disappointed but also surprised to see Gendry, Arya’s boyfriend of a year, of all people calling.

“Hello?”

_Hi, uh, is Arya with you?”_

“No,” Robb leaned against the counter. “Did you lose her?”

_"Well, I mean, kind of, but this time there is a bit of an issue,”_ his sister’s boyfriend explained in a timid voice.

“What do you mean there is an issue?” Robb ground out. He never did trust Gendry, especially when Arya and he decided to move in together.

_“I just got home and found a receipt for duct tape, mentos, diet coke, PVC pipe, and twenty candles.”_

“I’m going to kill Theon,” Robb swore.

" _What?”_ Gendry sounded completely lost on the phone. _“Are he and Arya doing something?”_

“Look, man, I got to go, but I’ll keep you updated. I know where they are.”

* * *

“Okay, but this is stupid,” Arya crossed her arms. “You are stupid.”

Theon glanced back, narrowing his eyes. “Oh, I’m sorry; do you have a better idea?”

“Shut up, Arya,” Bran hissed from a few meters away. “Let Theon do it!”

“But he isn’t going to be able to get the PVC back on it in time,” Arya grumbled as she walked back, sinking onto the ground next to Rickon. “I think we could have planned this out better.”

“Probably,” Rickon agreed before whispering, “but it’ll be funnier this way. I mean, do we really want to see something we can just watch on TV or do we want to see something _new_.”

“I can still hear you,” Theon shouted back at the three young adults watching him. He was bent over a two liter soda and beside him was a very convoluted PVC pipe contraption.

After a recent dinner at the Stark house, Rickon, Bran, and Arya introduced Theon to the wonder of Mythbusters. Still feeling the need to be in good graces with some of the siblings, Theon suggested they try some of the experiments out. They three youngest Starks immediately drew up plans and as they discussed the logistics, Theon grew more and more excited by the prospect of doing some of these stunts. The only problem was Robb. That’s why he decided to accidentally, on purpose, leave Robb in the dark about all of his plans.

“Oh shit,” Arya cursed as she stood up, “I think Robb is here.”

They chose the location for their experiment as the Stark family backyard which may or may not have been a good idea looking back on it. Theon rapidly abandoned the project in front of him.

“Crap, he is going to kill me,” Theon muttered.

“No, he loves you,” Bran rolled his eyes bored.

“You can still kill the people you love,” Rickon argued. “Have you seen any of the Star Wars movies, the Harry Potter movies, like any movie?”

“Yeah, but this is Robb,” Bran shot back.

“Yeah, but this is _Theon_ , he job in life is to piss everyone off.”

“Robb is like the nicest guy out there!”

 “Will you two stop?” Arya rolled her eyes from between the two. “Robb wouldn’t kill Theon; he is too in love with him to do that. When mom and dad find out though-”

“Oh crap, he’s dead,” Rickon swore.

“Sorry, man,” Bran threw him a half-hearted apology.

“What is this?” Robb burst through the backdoor to see the mess of PVC pipes and soda bottles. He looked between Theon and the small audience of his younger siblings mystified.

“We are mythbusting,” Rickon shrugged. “Are you going to be a loser or are you going to join us?”

“Probably a loser,” Arya and Bran said in unison.

“Damn, they got you pegged,” Theon whistled thinking that he could pretty much say anything at this point. It couldn’t really get any worse. Robb was already pissed off; there was no escaping the wrath. He might as well make it worth it.

“Is this even safe?” Robb sighed tiredly.

“Don’t worry,” Rickon waved off. “It’s fine.”

“If anyone is getting hurt, it’s going to be Theon so why worry?” Arya asked, cocking her head to the side.

“Do you know Gendry called me in a panic?”

“Oh, he found the list,” Arya said knowingly. An evil smirk came to his lips.

Bran and Rickon both stared at Arya in awe but Robb focused on something else.

“List?” Robb asked before his eyes went straight to Theon.

“Hey! Don’t look at me! This whole thing was her idea!”

“What?” Arya jumped up. “You were the one who said it would be cool to try it!”

“Yeah, I said it would be cool! I didn’t say let’s do it! You three got all excited about it and how could I say no?” Theon paled. “Oh gods, I’m going to die, aren’t I?”

“Probably,” Bran rolled in a circle around Theon. “Don’t sweat it. Robb likes you enough to make it quick and probably painless.”

“Great,” Theon groaned.

“I’m not going to kill you,” Robb rubbed his face. “Look, this stuff is dangerous.”

Altogether, Arya, Bran, and Rickon groaned loudly.

“They’ve heard you make this speech a thousand times over the years,” Theon shrugged at his questioning look.

“Robb?” Rickon was up now and despite the boy being nearly fourteen and almost as tall as Robb, he still managed to use the puppy dog eyes and his boyish face to get what he wanted. “Can we _please_ do the Mentos Soda thing? It’s already set up!”

Just like the fourteen years of this power struggle, Robb bent to Rickon and sighed, “Fine, _but_ we are wearing safety goggles.”

“Oh, that’d be sweet!” Bran exclaimed. Arya was already halfway to the garage where they had some shop glasses. “We’ll take a photo in commemoration.”

“They are for safety, not looking cool,” Robb muttered before turning his glare at Theon. “This isn’t over,” he echoed the words from the last letter Theon had left.

“Oh, I figured that to be the case,” Theon shrugged. “Love you?”

“I guess I like you,” Robb muttered as Arya came back and handed out the goggles.

“Ready?” Rickon asked, seating beside Bran’s wheelchair. Arya sat on the other side.

“No,” Theon glanced at Robb who was standing a few feet away from him. “Someone needs to be seated for _safety_.”

Robb raised both eyebrows but was instantly yelled at by his three siblings to take a seat. He sat beside Rickon and watched as Theon went to the maze of PVC.

Robb wasn’t quite sure what his siblings were expecting. Perhaps they were thinking that the gush of soda from the reaction would travel through the maze, and it probably would have if Theon was fast enough to move the PVC maze there and keep it there during the reaction. But he wasn’t. Of course he wasn’t.

Instead, the soda bottle went flying from his hands, not only spraying Theon but the sitting audience of Starks also. Rickon burst into laughter while Bran hurried to roll away so no damage would come to his wheelchair. Arya took his opportunity to tackle Bran out of his chair and onto the ground. While his legs were useless, his arms were strong from years of training and the two began wrestling in the mud. Robb, as much as he didn’t want to, couldn’t help but smile at the whole scene as soda flooded the grass. Theon sunk onto the ground beside Robb.

“Happy?”

“At?” Robb glanced at his boyfriend questioningly.

“My Led Zeppelin shirt got ruined.”

“I think that is more your fault than mine. Actually,” Robb turned to face him fully, “if you had just listened to me, your shirt would have been fine and soda free.”

“Yeah,” Theon leaned on Robb’s shoulder, “you can do the ‘I told you so’ dance later. Don’t ruin the moment.”

“Okay, but one question.”

“Hmm?”

“What are the candles for?”

“I told you I can be romantic, but I guess you still needed that romance shoved down your throat,” Theon smirked and Robb punched him lightly in the shoulder.

* * *

“Can I do the ‘I told you so’ dance?” Robb asked the second they stepped foot in the apartment.

“Not yet,” Theon muttered as he ripped off his sopping wet shirt. “We have to say goodbye to Zeppelin.”

Robb grabbed the shirt from Theon’s hands. “My mom can probably get all this out.” He set the shirt aside and gave Theon his most serious look. “Are we going to talk about it now?”

“I don’t think I really get a choice in the matter,” Theon sighed. “Let me just sit down first.” Theon took off his pants so he was just in his boxers which for the most part were undamaged by the soda explosion and looked up at Robb. “Alright, hit me with your best shot.”

“I overreacted,” Robb admitted.

“I said ‘hit me with your best shot.’”

“Oh, don’t think we won’t go there, but I overacted and I’m going to own up to that _like_ an adult,” Robb said pointedly.

“Ah,” Theon smirked, “there is it is.”

“It’s danger-”

“We took the necessary precautions,” Theon’s eyes were dancing with laughter. “I had them sit far away, they made the calculations, they helped built it and we went over everything. Come on, do you really think I’m _that_ reckless.”

Robb bit the inside of his cheek. “And the list?”

“In part to mess with you,” Theon waved Robb closer, “in part to actually do some of the stuff.”

“I am not getting you a blowtorch,” Robb narrowed his eyes as he sunk onto Theon’s lap.

“Okay,” Theon held Robb arm’s length apart, “first of all, yes we are. Secondly, we already have the DVDs. Thirdly, Arya has a movie night set out so we can pick the next experiment. I guess you can be involved if you want to be all Fire Safety Bill on us, but we are going to do it regardless.”

“What’s the next one you guys have planned?” Robb murmured as he leaned against Theon.

“None yet, but I’m sure we can think of something. Bran wants to do dead cow.”

“Do I even want to know what that all entails?”

“Probably not.”

* * *

A week had gone by since the Mentos Soda PVC Maze and Robb found Arya, Bran and Rickon sitting in his kitchen with Theon over a piece of copy paper. He had just got home from work and watch skeptically as they whispered to each other.

“Oh, gods, not again,” Robb groaned as he sunk into the chair beside Theon.

“Don’t worry,” Theon flashed a grin, “we are done with the Mythbuster thing for the time being.”

“Yeah, it’s too expensive,” Bran muttered. “Logistically, we’d have to spend quite a bit to do it right and it’s not worth it if we can’t go all out.”

“Oh,” Robb was surprised by this. He glanced over at Theon’s paper to see a bunch of chemical formulas on it. “So what? Are you doing chemistry homework?”

“No!” Rickon laughed loudly. “We are going to make mad money so we can go back to the Mythbuster thing.”

Robb looked up in confusion and met Arya’s eyes.

“We started watching Breaking Bad two days ago.”

_Gods, help me_ , Robb prayed as he ripped the paper away from Theon.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Also, happy early Valentines Day :)
> 
> [Tumblr](http://youbuggingme.tumblr.com/)


End file.
